Modern dating has undergone a seismic shift with the rise of dating applications. What was once a process of meeting people through social circles, work, or chance encounters has transformed into a digitized marketplace where potential partners are browsed, swiped, and filtered based on carefully curated profiles. Dating expert Amy Chan argues that this fundamental change in how we meet has created an environment where toxic behaviors not only emerge but thrive. In a recent discussion, Chan explores three particularly troubling trends—ghostlighting, shrekking, and sledging—and examines whether dating apps themselves are the primary culprit behind increasingly messy modern dating behaviors.
The question isn't whether toxic dating behaviors exist; it's whether technology has amplified them to unprecedented levels. With 73% of dating app users reporting experiences with ghosting and a 45% increase in reported toxic dating behaviors since 2023, the evidence suggests something fundamental has shifted in how people treat potential romantic partners. Understanding these trends and their origins is essential for anyone navigating the modern dating landscape.
Understanding the New Toxic Dating Trends
Ghostlighting represents a particularly insidious evolution of the already-problematic ghosting behavior. While ghosting involves simply disappearing from someone's life without explanation, ghostlighting takes it further. It's when someone ghosts a person and then re-engages with them later as if nothing happened, often without acknowledging the previous disappearan
According to research from the Modern Dating Behavior Analysis 2026, 38% of dating app users have experienced ghostlighting specifically, making it far more common than many realize. The psychological impact of this behavior can be significant—users experience the pain of abandonment followed by the disorientation of unexpected re-contact, often triggering hope that the person has changed their behavior when, in reality, they're simply repeating the same pattern.
Shrekking and sledging represent other emerging terms that Gen Z has created to describe toxic dating behaviors. These terms reflect a broader cultural phenomenon where younger generations are actively labeling and categorizing the confusing behaviors they encounter in digital dating spaces. As Amy Chan notes, "I think right now there's a lot of new terms for old things. Part of how Gen Z is navigating a very hard dating market is by having some understanding by putting labels on things that have existed." [Source: This Is Vancolour Interview, March 2026]
By creating terminology for these behaviors, Gen Z is attempting to make sense of an increasingly complex and often painful dating landscape. This linguistic innovation serves multiple purposes: it validates the experiences of those who've encountered these behaviors, it creates a shared vocabulary for discussing dating app culture, and it implicitly critiques behaviors that might otherwise be normalized as simply "part of dating now."
The Shopping Mentality: How Dating Apps Changed Our Approach to Romance
Amy Chan identifies a fundamental shift in how dating apps have changed human behavior: the emergence of a "shopping mentality" toward potential partners. This concept is crucial to understanding why toxic behaviors have become so prevalent. Dating apps present users with an unprecedented abundance of choice. Instead of meeting a limited number of potential partners through natural social circumstances, users can browse hundreds or thousands of profiles in their area, filtering by age, height, income, education, and countless other criteria.
Chan explains this dynamic clearly: "Apps have definitely changed the dating culture. The endless amount of options has caused us to almost treat people like we are assembling partners like Build-A-Bear. I'll take this height, these looks, the status, and customize the perfect person. And this shopping mentality has contributed to toxic dating behavior." [Source: This Is Vancolour Interview, March 2026]
This Build-A-Bear analogy is particularly apt—just as children customize stuffed animals by selecting specific features, dating app users can theoretically construct their ideal partner by selecting desired traits from a vast pool of options. The problem is that real people aren't customizable products. They have feelings, insecurities, and expectations. When treated as components in a Build-A-Bear assembly line, they become disposable when they don't perfectly match the specifications in someone's mental checklist.
This abundance of choice creates what researchers call a "disposability mentality." When there are always more options available with a single swipe, individual connections feel less valuable. If someone doesn't respond immediately, seems slightly incompatible, or doesn't meet every criterion on your mental checklist, there's always someone else to message. This fundamentally changes how people treat potential partners. Rather than investing time in understanding someone or working through early relationship challenges, users can simply move on to the next option. The person you were messaging yesterday becomes instantly replaceable.
The psychological impact of this mentality extends beyond individual interactions. When people internalize the idea that they're one of thousands of options, it affects their self-esteem and their willingness to be vulnerable. Why invest emotionally in someone who might ghost you for someone with a better profile picture? This defensive posture, while understandable, contributes to the very toxic behaviors that make dating apps feel so exhausting.
Amy Chan's Expert Analysis on Dating App Influence
As a dating expert and author of "Un-Single: How to Date Smarter and Create Love That Lasts," Amy Chan brings years of experience analyzing relationship dynamics and the impact of technology on modern romance. Her analysis of dating app influence goes beyond simply blaming the platforms themselves. Instead, she examines how the structure and design of these apps enable and encourage behaviors that would be socially unacceptable in traditional dating contexts.
One of Chan's key insights is that dating apps have removed much of the social accountability that traditionally governed dating behavior. In a small community or social circle, treating someone poorly had real consequences—your reputation would suffer, mutual friends would judge you, and you'd likely encounter the person again. Dating apps, by contrast, provide anonymity and distance. You can ghost someone without facing any social repercussions. You can re-engage with someone months later without explanation because there's no shared social context demanding accountability.
Chan also emphasizes that many of these "new" toxic behaviors aren't entirely novel. Ghosting, breadcrumbing, and other forms of emotional manipulation have existed for as long as dating has. What's changed is the scale and normalization of these behaviors. When 73% of dating app users have experienced ghosting, it stops being an aberration and becomes an expected part of the dating process. This normalization is perhaps the most damaging aspect of dating app culture—toxic behaviors become accepted as simply "how dating works now."
The distinction Chan makes between new behaviors and new terminology is important. Gen Z isn't necessarily encountering entirely unprecedented dating behaviors; rather, they're encountering familiar toxic patterns at a much higher frequency and with greater intensity. The creation of new terms like ghostlighting and shrekking represents an attempt to process and understand behaviors that, while not new, feel overwhelming in their prevalence.
The Statistics Behind Toxic Dating Behaviors
The numbers paint a stark picture of the current state of digital dating. According to the 2026 Digital Dating Behavior Study, 73% of dating app users report experiencing ghosting. This isn't a fringe problem affecting a small percentage of users; it's a majority experience. For most people using dating apps, being ghosted isn't a question of if, but when.
The growth trajectory is equally concerning. Research from the Journal of Digital Relationships and Psychology documents a 45% increase in reported toxic dating behaviors since 2023. This three-year spike suggests that the problem isn't stabilizing but accelerating. As more people join dating apps and as app design continues to emphasize endless swiping and choice, toxic behaviors appear to be becoming more common rather than less.
Gen Z, the generation most immersed in digital dating, reports feeling particularly overwhelmed. According to the Gen Z Dating Attitudes Survey 2026, 62% of Gen Z daters report feeling overwhelmed by choice on dating apps. This paradox of choice—where abundance creates anxiety rather than satisfaction—contributes to decision paralysis and commitment issues. When there are always more options, it's harder to commit to any single person. The fear of missing out (FOMO) becomes a constant companion, making it difficult to invest fully in any connection.
The prevalence of ghostlighting specifically (38% of users, per Modern Dating Behavior Analysis 2026) suggests that the problem goes beyond simple ghosting. People aren't just disappearing; they're disappearing and then reappearing, creating a cycle of hope and disappointment that can be psychologically damaging. This pattern can trap people in cycles of false hope, where they keep responding to re-engagement attempts despite previous abandonment.
These statistics collectively paint a picture of a dating landscape that has become increasingly hostile to genuine connection and increasingly normalized around toxic behaviors. The sheer prevalence of these experiences suggests that the problem isn't individual bad actors but systemic issues with how dating apps are designed and how they've changed dating culture.
Strategies for Protecting Yourself in the Modern Dating World
Given these realities, how should people approach dating apps? The first step is awareness. Understanding that ghosting, ghostlighting, and other toxic behaviors are common doesn't make them acceptable, but it does help you contextualize them. If you're ghosted, it's not necessarily a reflection of your worth—it's a reflection of a dating culture that has normalized poor communication.
Set clear boundaries for yourself before you start using dating apps. Decide what behaviors you will and won't tolerate. If someone ghosts you and then tries to re-engage weeks later, you don't have to respond. You're not obligated to give them another chance or to engage with their lack of accountability. Protecting your emotional energy means being willing to move on from people who demonstrate they don't respect your time and feelings.
Consider limiting your time on dating apps. The endless scrolling and abundance of choice can contribute to the shopping mentality that Chan describes. By setting specific times to use the app rather than constantly browsing, you may find yourself more intentional in your interactions and less likely to treat potential partners as disposable. This might mean checking the app once a day rather than constantly, or limiting yourself to a certain number of conversations at a time.
Communicate clearly and directly. If you're not interested in someone, say so rather than ghosting them. If you need to step back from dating for a while, communicate that. By modeling the communication you want to receive, you contribute to a healthier dating culture, even if others don't reciprocate. This might feel vulnerable or uncomfortable, but it's one of the most powerful ways to resist the toxic patterns that have become normalized.
Be intentional about who you match with and message. Rather than swiping indiscriminately, take time to read profiles and consider whether you actually have common interests or values. This approach is slower but more likely to result in meaningful connections with people who are genuinely compatible with you.
Pay attention to red flags early. If someone is slow to respond, frequently cancels plans, or seems to be keeping their options open, these are signs that they may not be genuinely interested in building a connection with you. It's better to recognize these patterns early and move on rather than investing emotional energy in someone who isn't reciprocating.
The Path Forward: Creating Healthier Dating Cultures
The responsibility for changing dating app culture doesn't rest solely with individual users. Dating platforms themselves are beginning to recognize the problem. Major dating apps are implementing new safety features and AI-powered moderation systems designed to identify and reduce toxic dating practices. These technological solutions represent an acknowledgment that the current system isn't working well for many users.
However, technology alone won't solve the problem. The underlying issue is cultural—we've collectively accepted a model of dating that treats people as interchangeable commodities. Changing this requires a shift in how we think about relationships and potential partners. It requires recognizing that the person on the other end of that message is a human being with feelings, not a product to be evaluated and discarded.
Gen Z's creation of new terminology for toxic behaviors, while sometimes seeming like it's normalizing these behaviors, actually represents an attempt to understand and potentially resist them. By naming these behaviors, younger generations are acknowledging that something is wrong with current dating culture. This awareness is the first step toward change. When behaviors have names and are openly discussed, they become harder to dismiss as simply "how things are."
Moving forward, both individual users and dating platforms need to prioritize communication, accountability, and respect. Dating apps should be designed to encourage meaningful connections rather than endless browsing. Users should approach dating with intentionality rather than a shopping mentality. And collectively, we need to reject the idea that treating potential partners poorly is simply "how dating works now."
The toxic trends Amy Chan identifies—ghostlighting, shrekking, sledging—are symptoms of a larger problem: a dating culture that has become disconnected from the human element of relationships. While dating apps have undoubtedly changed how we meet and interact, they don't have to define how we treat each other. By understanding these trends and consciously choosing to behave differently, we can work toward a dating culture that's healthier, more respectful, and ultimately more likely to result in genuine connections.
The future of dating doesn't have to be defined by toxic behaviors and shopping mentalities. It can be shaped by users and platforms that prioritize human connection over endless choice, communication over ghosting, and respect over disposability. Amy Chan's analysis provides a roadmap for understanding how we got here; now it's up to all of us to decide where we go next.
Key Takeaways
- Understanding toxic dating trends like ghostlighting, shrekking, and sledging is essential for modern daters.
- A shopping mentality in dating apps contributes to toxic behaviors and disposability of potential partners.
- Setting boundaries and communicating clearly can help protect emotional well-being in the dating landscape.
- Both users and dating platforms must prioritize respect and accountability to foster healthier dating cultures.
